Worth, Worthiness, & Hope Beyond

She told me she cried when she read my website………..especially this line “He loves me. He fell in love with me. Though I am not the worlds idea of perfect.” She smiled and said to me “you are so beautiful.” and I smiled politely back and thanked her. On the surface I was, but under it all is another story.

Some one ask me recently how I could see the beauty in everyone and in everything, even the old, the not so perfect. I told them it is a gift. In truth it is both a blessing and a curse. I see the world with eyes that search for the beauty that others may not see, I love blindly, fiercely, wholeheartedly, because there is one place in this world that I don’t often see beauty, one place I only see “never good enough”. The mirror.

I am one of those people who knows your in pain even if you think you can hide it, I share your tears, your joy, your hope, it has just always been that way. So I became a protector, a “fixer” for those I loved. I over looked their faults, I became a sounding board, a place to fall. Through it all I stood strong, upon prayer, upon heart. Yet I forgot to protect the one person that is always with me, myself.

My worth became connected so completely with that which made me “less”, made me “unacceptable”,  made me”unworthy”. My size. The number in my shirt collar, the one on the scale, the fact that I am overweight and that made me wrong in the eyes of so many from such a very young age. So my inner voice became one of negativity, one of hatred, one of harsh criticism, no one could hurt me the way I hurt myself. It ensured I had the power. So  some of the phrases spoken to me in negativity got filed away and I replayed them until the only soundtrack I hear when I look in a mirror sounds like this,”Why are you different than the other girls, your bigger?”-age 9, “You look like a beached whale.”-age 10, “Shouldn’t your plate be smaller, It’s not like you need as much food as the rest of us.”-age13, ” You shouldn’t move around as much in church, your a distraction to the people behind you. It’s embarrassing.”- age 14 “Well, your as pretty as you will ever get at that size.”-age 15, “You have such a pretty face, to bad about the rest of you.”- age16, “If you would just lose some weight, you wouldn’t be such a disappointment.” – age 17, “Oh God, people her size just make me sick.”-age 32

Sometimes those negative voices get so loud I hear nothing else, yet I know that giving in to the negativity in life never gains you anything except emptiness. As I struggle on my journey to a healthier size, I win some days and lose others. Ever pound that comes off scares me, makes me wonder, “what if it is not just my size that makes me worthless.” , “what if people treat me different, even though I am the same person, just a different size? What if it makes me bitter and I lose my smile?”, “What if???????” insert a million little thoughts and ideas. Fear is a powerful thing, negativity is a powerful thing, feeling like people never see the real you is a powerful thing. Guess what is more powerful…………..Love. Hope. Joy. Peace. Most days they may not be easy to find and on some days negativity will win, but tomorrow I will love, hope, laugh, and find peace again. The day after I may lose again, but who am I to not try, who am I to stop seeing the beauty, the amazing beauty in everything around me, in every person I meet, until one day I can allow myself to see it reflected back, not because my size has changed, but because my voice has changed, because my eyes are no longer veiled with unworthiness but with love for everything, including me.

And so there you sit reading this, reading my fear, my negativity, my war, I wonder what holds you back, what makes you question your worth? I started to not write this, not share it, but I realized that I am not the only one who struggles with worth. Of the people that read this, there will be some who needed to know they are worthy. They are beautiful. They are special. They are beautifully made.

Trust me. The only unworthy person is one who can not accept love. So jump. Be afraid. But give in to love, take a chance, a risk, a hope, and if your heart gets wounded, then let it strengthen your resolve to live, to feel, to hurt, to love, to overcome, to be worthy, to win the war. Until the voice you hear says the things that have always been said, but that you didn’t hear in the fog of pain:

You are beautiful. You amaze me. You are special. You make me want to be better. You make my life whole. You make me smile. I love your laugh. I will stand with you in your pain. You are my best friend. You make me smile. You are so wonderful. You make me proud.

They say it takes 10 positive things to overcome one negative one. That’s the power negativity has, but I have never witnessed a force stronger than that of Love. Negativity might be strong, but Love is a healing force that covers it all. May it cover each of us so completely that no negativity ever makes us question our truth, our heart, our worth.

I leave you with a song whose words stir me to Be Still and to trust.

Be Still by The Fray